Reflections of Illusion
by web of light
Summary: B'Elanna explains to Tom the real meaning behind her vision of Chakotay in Perceptions of Vision. Slightly humorous. Companion story to Just Another Day.


A sweet smell of something unfamiliar greeted Tom when he arrived back home. Flowery. A hint of something like roses, maybe lilacs. It permeated their shared space and for a moment everything was wonderful. The most beautiful person in the world was B'Elanna, who was at that moment standing by the table staring down into a steaming bowl of liquid. After a quick kiss, he joined her, examining the source of the fragrance. It was blue and bubbling.

"So what is this?" Leaning over the bowl he felt the wisps of steam gently caress his face.

"It's a Klingon tea. I can't even pronounce its proper name but it translates into 'good feeling," she said.

"Klingon? They actually have something that smells this good?" He took another deep whiff. "This is not Klingon. This is something from Betazed or Vulcan, not Qo'nos!"

"Believe it or not, it is Klingon. I've been talking to the Doctor about it. It's been known to help Klingon women curb their emotional volatility during pregnancy. Apparently, they have been known to beat up family members for minor...offenses. It won't hurt the baby, in fact, it might be good for her. There is one problem."

"What is that?" he asked straightening up. The vapors were intoxicating. He was taken by a sudden desire to take B'Elanna in his arms and dance around the room with her. The fact that she was heavily pregnant did not matter.

"Well, it can calm Klingons down but when humans drink it they tend to get a little...silly." Well, that explained that.

"Drunk you mean?" He started to back away. He was not a pretty drunk.

"Not exactly. It does something to the production of endorphins or enzymes something. The Doctor can explain it in detail if you really want to know. Because I'm half and half, I'm not sure how it will affect me."

"Let's try it together, see what happens. I'm always up for a new experience." He leaned over the bowl again. Maybe having a sip of this before eating the mess hall would make the ordeal less grueling. Time in sickbay would be a joy.

"Together? Are you sure?"

"Why not? I mean it's not dangerous, is it?"

"No, it's not dangerous. If you want to do this, we might want to lock the doors. Wouldn't want to wander around the ship in a state of what might look like inebriation."

"We'll stay in and watch some TV. How's that sound?"

After a cup each, they watched The Three Stooges, laughing hard at the slapstick and snapping their fingers at the Delta Quadrant and all its dangers. Tom was in complete control of his facilities. He knew he could pilot the ship but also knew if he were on the bridge in his present state he would find every little thing funny. He started to concoct another idea to torment Tuvok. What if he got Harry to program one of the Doctor's arias into the hailing frequencies? Or leave fake love notes from him scattered around the Captain's ready room?

B'Elanna did seem more relaxed. She was was quick to laugh at things that would only evoke rolled eyes and sarcastic comment before. He changed the channel to a western about a rancher and his three sons.

"Oh, I like this. The youngest one was kind of cute." B'Elanna said snuggling up to him as much as she could with their daughter getting in the way.

"Yeah, he kind of was, wasn't he?" Tom said. They exchanged a glance and started laughing again. It wasn't that funny but at that moment it was the most hilarious thing ever.

During the course of the story, the youngest son argued with his father, standing up to him for not allowing him to make his own decisions.

"Sounds like me and my dad," Tom said. "I really told him off that one time...you know when that alien made us see things. I saw my dad, yelling at me. He was worse than he had ever been, but you should have seen the look on his face when I told him to shut the hell up." It was so serious at the time but now Tom laughed at the memory. Someday he would tell his dad about it.

"I remember that. You wouldn't believe what the alien had me see...you'll crack up at this. It's hilarious…"

'What did you see? Klingons playing with kittens?"

"Me and Chakotay. I was supposedly secretly in love with him. We slept together. Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you ever heard of?" She started laughing as hard as she did at the antics of the Three Stooges. Tom laughed along with her but was conscious of the fact that while it was funny now he wasn't drunk. He would remember all this tomorrow.

The next morning he woke up to the unexpected sensation of Miral kicking. B'Elanna was lying so close to him that he could feel it. He sat up half expecting to feel hungover and was surprised when he did not. Last evening was the most fun they had ever had; everything mundane thing turned into a source of high entertainment.

Moving her hand down to her belly B'Elanna moaned. "Go to sleep." Tom wasn't sure if she was talking to him or their unborn daughter.

"Good morning!" He said cheerily. He leaned over to speak directly to the baby. "Good Morning!" B'Elanna reached over to give him a half-hearted swat. "That stuff was great! Why don't more people know about it?"

"Ah...the Klingons do use it sometimes when humans are assigned to their ships." Sitting up she let out a big yawn." They, the Klingons that is, will slip some into the drink of an unsuspecting human and then sit back and watch the show. They know it's not harmful and it's all in good fun. They like to think it's a secret."

"But now I know. I feel privileged beyond all belief."

"Now you know. For the record, I'm only allowed one cup a week. The effect lasts for a while. Between you and me, one cup is enough."

"You're probably right. Well, I need to be on the bridge in an hour. See you tonight. It must be nice to have shorter duty shifts."

"It's only temporary and only because the Doctor insisted. You shouldn't complain. It is all your fault."

He was barely outside the door when his communicator beeped. "Chakotay to Paris. Report to my office"

"Yes, Commander." It came back. B'Elanna laughing about her vision about being secretly in love with Chakotay. Sleeping with Chakotay. He tried to dismiss it. People had weird dreams all the time. He recalled a particularly vivid one he had about one of his Academy Professors. She was very attractive, a bit older than he was although that sort of thing never bothered him. He didn't even have a crush on her but there he was the next day in her class wondering where that had come from and hoping that she wouldn't call on him.

The troublesome thing was, this particular alien called things up that were deep in his own mind. Things he had pushed away but were nevertheless, true. Was there any 'truth' in what B'Elanna had seen? Why hadn't she said anything to him?

Chakotay was seated at his desk. Opposing voices started talking in his head.

 _Should I be jealous?_  
 _No, stop being stupid."_

"Tom, Ensign Kim is going to have to take the Doctor off-line for a few hours so I'm going to need you in sickbay this morning. I know it's not your favorite thing…"

"It's alright Chakotay." For once Tom was relieved with his reassignment. Now he wouldn't be on the bridge with the first officer all morning.

The time in sick bay passed slowly. It gave him time to think and argue with himself.

 _She wasn't serious._  
 _She had been drinking that damn tea._  
 _It was a long time ago._  
 _But you would think...she would have told me._  
 _It's none of my business._  
 _It doesn't matter._  
 _Except...it does._  
 _He's so...different from me._  
 _What if he is...what she really wanted and I'm just...what she got?_  
 _Stop it. You were barely interested in her at the time._  
 _Think back to when it happened. You still had a thing for Kes._  
 _B'Elanna knew about Kes and it never bothered her._  
 _Except Kes isn't here anymore. Chakotay is._  
 _Your respect for Neelix, and Kes, really impressed her._

Those last few thoughts presented another mystery.  
 _If these things were true, these fantasies...these desires…_  
 _Why didn't I dream about Kes?_

Later in the mess hall, he started to sit down when he noticed Ayala staring out the window. He took a moment to stand beside him and share the scenery

"Nice view," Tom commented. Something out there looked familiar.

"I was just thinking of how it reminds me of the sky above Cestus III." That's what it was. The starscape was very similar.

"You're right. That nebula over there, that ring of stars." An idea seized him. _Now or never._

"I know you might not believe me but after I left I thought about you all. Wondered about what happened to everyone…" It was true. He did think about them from time to time during quiet moments in the rehab colony.

Ayala turned away from the view with a laugh. "After you left, well, we didn't miss the fighting and by that, I mean the brawls..."

"I was a bit of a hothead in those days," Tom said hoping a quick agreement would move the story along.

"We did miss your piloting skills." The former Maquis went on to recount a few memories, mostly about certain missions and lost comrades. Tom listened politely wondering how he could manipulate the conversation in the direction he wanted when Ayala went there himself. "That was around the time Chakotay and Seska became a thing but Chakotay decided it was best to not have a relationship with someone under his command so they broke it off. I think deep down he knew something was off about her but she seemed to take it well. He wasn't really close with anyone after that except B'Elanna." Suddenly he realized who he was talking to. "As friends I mean. There was never anything more to it than that."

"Oh I'm sure," Tom said. _Did that mean B'Elanna was secretly in love with him at the time? Damn it._

It was at that moment B'Elanna entered the mess hall. For a while she had waddled when she walked, unused to the extra weight but now she had learned to compensate. She sat down at the nearest table. He excused himself to Ayala with a few words and hurried over to join her.

"What's up with him?" she asked nodding toward Ayala who was still staring into space.

"He was just observing how the view looks like the skies our old base and I agree. He and I were talking over old times."

"Old times? Our old base? You barely had any 'old times' and weren't there long enough to claim ownership." She gave him an odd look. "Why this interest in the Maquis?"

"I didn't bring it up! He did." That was the truth. She still looked suspicious. "Does this have anything to do with what I said about Chakotay last night?"

"Why do you ask?" He reached for the salt putting on his best innocent front. This only caused her eyes to narrow and her lips to quirk ever so slightly.

"Because you never talk about your 'old times' with the Maquis. What I said really bothered you, didn't it?"

 _Oh what the hell._ "A little," he admitted.

"I wish I hadn't said anything but it just came out and I saw no reason to hide it. At the time it bothered me a little but now I think it's funny," She said. There wasn't a hint of deception in her voice or demeanor.

"But that alien was pulling things out of our minds. He wasn't just making things up."

"He didn't make anything up." She started in on her food.

"So you were in love with Chakotay." He wanted a reaction. A sign of guilt. Something and he didn't know why.

She paused, her fork halfway to her mouth. "No. Tom, sometimes things are not as they seem. I don't want to get into this here. I'll explain everything, this evening."

He had to be content with that.

A different aroma greeted him this time upon entering their quarters. Pizza. It didn't exactly mesh with the candles and flowers on the table but it still looked nice. She was dressed in a rather pretty red smock type dress.

 _Is this a good or bad sign?_

Walking over she kissed him and led him to his seat and then sat down opposite him.

'What's the occasion?" He asked. _She's trying to soften the blow._

"No occasion. You know perfectly well why I'm doing this so I'll get right to it. The truth is Tom, the images that alien put in our head were not what they seemed to be. On the surface, they appeared to be fantasies of the things we really wanted but in truth that's not what they were about at all. It all went much deeper than that. It was about need."

"But…"

"Bear with me for a few minutes. Not long after this happened I was up late, walking around the ship wondering about it all. I found Kes in the mess hall. She couldn't sleep either so we talked. She shared a few things with me, one of them being she was disturbed by her own vision. You remember what she saw?"

"Of course, I do. I'm not likely to forget it. She had to put in the official report. The alien tried to distract her with a vision of me, practically burnt to a crisp."

"Exactly. Do you honestly think Kes, one of the sweetest, kindest most caring people we have ever known had a deep hidden desire of seeing you hurt like that and crying out in pain? That was her secret fantasy?"

"I would hope not. I thought we were friends."

"You were friends. Despite looking like an innocent, she and the rest of the Ocampa, have a kind of wisdom and insight that defies description. After pondering over it for a while she came to the conclusion that none of those hallucinations were about silly fantasies or our deepest most hidden desires. It was about our needs."

"What's the difference?"

"There is a difference. Kes' need was to be...needed. That's why she saw what she did. A friend, reaching out to her, needing her, wanting her help." Tom let that revelation roll around in his head for a moment. "Is your deepest hidden desire having to listen to your father yell at you, tear you down?" she asked.

"Of course not. I used to have real nightmares about that."

"Standing up to him was what you needed to do in order to feel free of him." Tom allowed himself to go back, reimagining the vision. His father's opinion of him was the one thing that held him back, that he used as an excuse for all his bad choices and despite not being around him physically he still carried that 'thing' with him. She was right. He needed to push back, to make it stop.

"I can see a certain logic in that. So your need was…"

"My vision bothered me because I've never had any kind of feeling toward Chakotay except friendship. Was there something in there that I was unaware of but didn't want to admit? My talk with Kes made me look at it in a different light. I had been abandoned by my father, estranged from my mother. At the time I shared a deep emotional connection, of friendship, with one person on Voyager and that person, just happened to be Chakotay."

"So your need was…" he asked again.

"To love, and be loved in return. It's that simple. That was the thing I was missing in my life. The thing I needed. It wasn't about Chakotay. He was an avatar. A stand in. A representative. It was about me. That alien was smart. He could read our minds and knew what would get our attention and took delight in confusing us. He knew what would distract us."

"I guess it does kind of make sense." _So that's why I didn't see Kes! The need to confront my father was greater than anything I needed from her or anyone else._

"If Chakotay wasn't around it could have been one of the men from the Maquis I served with… or even Harry." she continued.

"Harry!" Reaching for a slice of pizza Tom's hand stopped in midair over the table.

"I formed a friendship with him before I did with you. At that point in time you and I were just coming around to the point of where we decided that we even liked each other, so yeah, Harry. Tom, it didn't matter who the other person was. It was just a manifestation of my own inner turmoil. Something I couldn't express in words."

"How did you get to be so wise?"

"It was just me taking Kes' idea and applying it to my own situation." B'Elanna was just as serious as she had been silly the night before. Tom believed her. No hidden agenda, no undisclosed secrets. Everything clicked neatly into place.

"You've convinced me. Does Chakotay know?"

"Of course not! You'd think I'd tell him something like that! I gather what everybody else saw was rather embarrassing. Anyway, you and your dad are starting to mend fences and let's just say that now...I have all I need." She was so damn pretty when she smiled like that. A gentle warm glow began to wash over him. He had never fulfilled anyone's needs before and he wasn't her second choice.

A sudden thought occurred to him. Before he could stop himself he was overcome with laughter. He hit the table causing the flower vase to shake, making a rattling sound.

"What now?" She was confused.

"I guess if it's between Chakotay and Harry, I'm glad you dreamed about Chakotay. That, I think I can live with…."

She fought against it but a small smile broke through. A few giggles escaped. After a minute she let loose and her laughter joined with his.


End file.
